Trump’s Executive Order Demanding His Colon Release Feces Raises Many Questions
In his short time in office, Donald Trump has issued some whoppers of executive orders. Seemingly unaware of any other way to govern, President Trump has signed dozens of diktats ranging from immigration restrictions for predominantly Muslim nations to eschewing renewable alternatives in favor of coal and natural gas. Yet, of all the orders he’s issued to date, none has garnered more attention than his decree earlier this week for his body to pass his own excrement. With concern coming from both sides of the political aisle, the chief questions being asked are:
Does he have jurisdiction?
Do the powers granted to the president include dominion over his or her own digestive system? President Trump clearly believes they do. Earlier today he seemed to preempt the same sort of legal action by federal courts which blocked his travel ban when he tweeted,
Hey 9th Circuit: JUST TRY TO BLOCK THIS EXECUTIVE ORDER! I will defend it to the Supreme Court!
When asked if she would support hearing this case, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, “Of course, Supreme Court Justices are not supposed to comment on specific cases before they reach our court.” Clarifying her position, she added, “That said, I personally would relish the opportunity to be a part of three women telling a man what he can and can not do with his body. Now, that would be a first!”
Has he heard of whole grains?
Probably not. White House Press Secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, fielded this question earlier today, “The American people knew President Trump was not a doctor or even a fitness enthusiast when they elected him.“ This would seem to be an understatement. Donald Trump’s diet has long consisted of fast food offerings from McDonald’s, KFC, and Domino’s. But, don’t forget about his preferred slab of red meat (charred-black) provided on more formal occasions. In a tweet in December 2013, Trump famously referred to the link between such a diet and bowel obstruction as “a total hoax!” When asked by a reporter if the president still held this belief, Sanders responded, “The president strongly believes that providing for his gastronomic satisfaction and stimulating his colon muscles are not mutually exclusive goals, and that’s what we should be focusing on today.”
Just how bad is his health?
Leaving questions aside of his mental fitness and stability, many wonder if Donald Trump is too physically sickly to properly govern his nation. At 70 years old, Trump is the oldest U.S. president to enter office. As cause for greater alarm, the president leads a sedentary lifestyle, save for the odd round of cart-assisted golf. As most medical experts agree that these factors along with a poor diet increase the risk for heart disease, cancer, and diabetes, Donald Trump’s inability to poop may be the least of his troubles. Though he tries to maintain tight control over the status of his health, leaks are spreading all around Trump in recent weeks that more of his organs are in revolt. Calls to President Trump’s penis, rumored to be on strike since the conception of his youngest child in Barron, were not immediately returned.
Okay, but did it actually work?
Donald Trump rose to office through a wave of populist support for his flamboyant and unorthodox approach to issues. As a political outsider, many saw him as a problem solver who could finally pull the nation out of the political quagmire and stalemate of the career politicians. So, was Trump’s attempt at bowel relief just crazy enough to succeed? “Hell no.” said White House Physician, Ronny Jackson. “President Trump is just as full of shit as ever, and one way or another, we’re all going to have to deal with it for some time to come.”